my hopes and fears

WOHOOO!POSTING POWER AH

2010-05-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

Wow its been so damn long..wow.

haha. just felt like writing this morning.

haiz.

yes i just sigh-ed

life is never been easy now

projexts here n there

internship coming up

its pretty mixed up right now

n i am not feeling happy internally

not with life

but just a teeny weeney small place inside my heart

it is funny how i am still missing her

what i would do to hear her voice again

i just need to ask her this 1 small question which could fix up a bit

though i know the answer could kill me off for a while and stunne me

with every breath i take,

2009-08-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

So yea today was abit of a shithole
but am ok now
sort out already
in squad things get settled easily

But the bigger picture,
sometimes i feel i am too much of a patient guy
too much that it is not good

And yea sometimes this blog does kinda feel emo
haha
but thats whats inside me
and what i feel inside
surprised?
people see me as a happy guy always
againts anything
i do things with a smile
except when i didnt sleep the other night
Ever since that, i tend to curl up things inside
protecting my heart

and who knew before *it* happened
i use to be so full of intricate philosophy
too intricate ur brain would explode
i was a different person den
but somehow still same

but i am a bit more open

Past And beforerance

2009-07-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today was a strange day.
super strange indeed.

I am still reading harry potter no.7
Now page 364
just passed the halfway mark

Today i went to go fri prayers at ghufran with rizal
i wanted to go to the mosque (for which i do not know the name)
but he say ghufran faster.
It was faster.=)

As i pray and it ended,
i tot about her
i know i shouldnt
but recently
just recently
seriously recently
she
came
back
in
my
dreams.

And the minyak attar reminded me of her scent
nt the same smell but it triggered the memory
that 1 scent that i still vividly remembered

i still think about her
but not that much
it helps soothe my confuse head
and calms my mind

Why she left me?
im still confused
still trying to understand

comprehend.

2009-07-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Celebrated Marc 19 bdae at his house on sat.

3 words.

PHOTO

FUN

TABOO

Well today went back to school at a new block
have script ess and film language
not bad ah
i was looking forward to film language
look at film daily and critic on it.

Today the squad met and discussed on current mission status and former operations
...
And the rest is history

I wasnt feeling too well today
maybe is lack of sleep or maybe its because
nvm no point alrdy

i guess she only can come in my dreams now..=(

requiem for my heart..=(

2009-07-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

I felt a tear drop tonight'

its so very sudden

i knew this was going to happen

i am so afraid of seeing her

i know it will break my heart

but now i think she is happy with her life

and i have no buisness at all

i close my eyes hoping to ease the pain

People tell me

'oh there are a lot of girls out there'

i know, its just not the same

i think my heart has heart resistance

And i think if she ever knew

i am still alone here

every night i pray that she is well and happy

i just wish i leave with 1 question

Do you ever think about me?

once or at all?

i guess its up to god

How i wish i could feel her heart again

and she touched mine

all that is just left are memories

sweet but painful

I swear that you don't have to go

I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
I had in you

To late, I'm sure
and lonely
another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now
against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby

For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

-Mayday Parade-

3 cheers for 5 years

MANTRA

2009-07-14T05:11:00.000-07:00

Well its been like weeks

blocks not getting easier

VPRESS AND PCOMD

haiyo

Anyway i need remember this

The moment she left the door,

i need to close my heart

But there are signs,

But i must ignore it

I dunnoe

2009-06-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

If i made a list of things i miss

It will start with,

The way your sweet smell lingers still...

And end with

_ _ _

A night Of Light-headedness

2009-06-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

I remember one cheer up line from my friend
he said 'Dn worry, there is still alot of forest in the trees!'
with a CONFIDENT LOOK SUMMORE!

from sadness to laughter in a mere seconds
=D

Now i find myself in that same position as my friend
to try cheer up a friend

i myself have not fully recovered

But friends makes the world go round

and round i will go with them!

A good friend of mine is having the same problem im having 5 years ago
;Shyness

i guess i have ony few words for you my friend,
you'll never know till you tried
and go slow my friend
all the best!
=D

2009-06-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

i guess life's like that
there are drawbacks and setbacks
without those life would be boring

i think its ok if i do still have feelings for her
these feelings are kept inside somewhere
possibly waiting for the moment to come out

i would not fully understand why she left
but its ok
life's like that remember

i hope somewhere we both meet in the future
more ready to go at it again
i harbor this hope in my heart

just a hope

dear god, i thank you for allowing me to feel loved by someone special
sum1 i wanted and loved so much
although for a while

maybe she will never this,
but she left me with things and marks
marks of her love and who she was

she taught alot of things
things i am grateful for

Alhamdulilah =D

2009-06-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

i felt that feeling before
when you love someone and she love u back just as much
its this fuzzy feeling
=D

Smiling helps always
Anytime
Anywhere
Anyhow

epitome of a crysies

2009-06-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

tear 2 |ti(ə)r| |tɛ(ə)r| |tɪə|
noun
a drop of clear salty liquid secreted from glands in a person's eye when they cry or when the eye is irritated.
• a drop of such liquid secreted continuously to lubricate the surface of the eyeball under the eyelid.
• ( tears) the state or action of crying : he was so hurt by her attitude he was nearly in tears | sock puppets that moved Jack to tears.i cried last night.

terimah kasih by afghan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8yb-fsSunY&feature=related

the lyrics...
how i would say
menusuk kalbu means (touch the soul)

one is this;

I'd come to realize in my loneliness
after going so far
The rays of your love guided me back
Never again all those mistakes that hurt you
Thank you my love for everything

There was pain but this pain was different
Not like what i felt before
There was tears
But i embraced it

Memories streamed in slowly..

Then i realized mistakes i did to her
Those stupid things.
She was still there standing lovingly beside me then..

I remembered one of the many mistakes i made to her
when we went out as a group and she did not talk to me that much or stayed near me
Den i go on merajuking
Even when she was like being caring to me i was like in my own world
And she forgave me for it

God how stupid i was thinking about it

Now she is gone..

Its funny how when we had something we overlook the small details
But its these small details that we miss the most when the thing is gone

i'm Sorry

If i may say this,
Terimah Kasih Sayang

2009-06-09T06:11:00.001-07:00

AARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to have a friggin haircut
long hair is nice
but is fucking irritating when ur fringes pokes ur eyes
i wearing glasses btw.
pppppzzzztttttfffffffffff

I saw a green fairy today mum!

2009-06-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

Went out with the stooges
Shisha outing
too bad not full roster
oni jinhan marc ian azhar and me
Today was the first time i saw a fucking angry manjen!
he was pissed cuz he had to wait for us at the bridge bustop long
and it was a warm day
he was really pissed off
DAMN FUNNY AH!
this gives me and idea for a movie
wen manjen go wild!
smoked sheesha mango flavour
how diff this would be had IT not happened

2009-05-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

God i miss her so so terribily
i mean seeing her again and hear her voice
argh.
still cant get over her
even how much i tried
How in the world can someone forget a special someone if the person was there for 6 years?
I CANT

she's beautiful inside and out
i just cant seem to find someone to match that in my eyes.
i just wonder how she sleeps everynight.
But as long its with a smile, i will fight this.

2009-05-28T09:23:00.001-07:00

Maybe not now.
But i still got hope.
'Even a patient man waits for no one'

2009-05-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

A whole week to burn.
Yesterday was exhausting.
Woke up for fri prayers near school.
den went to joe's house for some guitar hero
metallica riff can give orgasm sia
high..WOOOOOO!
Ended the day with night at the museum 2 wif marc and ian
caught the damn night show

Today was quite a diffrent day
went to zuls house for kenduri and bace tahlil
meet with riots guys
been like an eternity since i last met them
bace
everytime i go to a kenduri my heart feel sad
it reminded me of my dear granfather

ajay dan n farid could not stop laughing
coz the imam pass ajay a drink
ok not funny, but to us it was
den we talk cock
laugh laugh laugh
at memories long
of past glories in sec sch

i miss those guys.

2009-05-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today is the second day of my 6 weeks break
=D
i feel superbored
so met with the guys and went to joe's house for some guitar hero
haha..superfun lah!

hmm.
i need to clear my head.
really.
i know not to hope so much.
and we are just friends now.
but.
how i wish i could smell her scent.
feel her presence.
cause its when she is the person i go to or think about when
i'm down , hurt , sick , scared.
her words were heavenly.
her voice sweet yet caring.
heart of gold.
damn.
i guess i better go back to ne-yo

thinking.
just thinking
still thinking
T.H.I.N.K.I.N.G

2009-05-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

im thinking about her again.
i know im not suppose and i cnt.
but

she..

OCD BOY

2009-05-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

haha.. i bet people will laugh when i say i had ocd
well its my own deduction that i did have when i was a kid
funny story
when i was young i was petrified of my mum
n lets say i didnt fully enjoy my childhood
i tink this led to me well have rituals that i do when i was young.
for instance,
the tiles on the house, when i enter it i will move by skipping one tile to another
if it doesnt land correctly, i will do it over again
and this went for quite a few years
i did not now until now.
haha
last time it bothered me if the cans in the fridge were not in the proper place as when i put it previously.
but dnt wry, im ok now
i tink..=D
it doesnt bother me much now

Band Of Brothers

2009-05-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Baik ah ziq.
i just wasted one day of my life watching Band Of Brothers
Frm episode one to 10
Currahee to points

2009-05-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm

I chose to stop and a pull a chair.

Find one corner to lepak.

I want fate to find me.

Im tired of searching for it.

Oh God...

My brain is super fucking wreack!(i noe wrg spelling)

2009-04-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

OMG!
My head is like killing me.
School started and in 2 straight days i have slept on the school floors.
Angine dist my first by shouting at me(i could have died=))
And matthew wanted to do a frogsplash at me
i hate morning class.
Nt the module,just the stupid morning rush
Other den that..LIFE IS GOOD!
Guys im not emo-ing.
Just thinking..=D

thinking

2009-04-22T09:55:00.001-07:00

If theres a bustle in your hedgerow
Dont be alarmed now,
Its just a spring clean for the may queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
Theres still time to change the road youre on.
And it makes me wonder.

a note

2009-04-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

fate can be cruel(syaz if u reading this..haha)
bt it also can be foorgiving and kind
i choose not to dwell on the past
its just been 4 mths since she left
n 4 mths ive been emo
im tired of it
really i am
i wan take evry situation one at a time
and really living it up
so during doc i decided
after the guys opened up to me
yea..it takes time
bt i am ok now
i am really
ANWi have something to look up to now
JENG JENG JENG!
this never fail to make me smile =)

Camp x

2009-04-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

Okay camp is like over
5 days 4 nights
camp is like superb
i miss evry1
evry single progger out there
who knew we will go so far from complete strangers to goin thru hell together

here is what i have to say to each progger..(i go down the line from the last prog debriefing)
nick-nice guy,he came far from the first day of prog meeting
kezia-tends to hyperventilate but she is sweet n caring
betty-she is like the sister evry1 never had
caline-tends to hyperventilate in a situation, but she is a nice friends..thanx 4 sharing the story.
stephanie-very nice person to talk to,friendly n thanx for helping me with the pic..dumb me
froggy-a good massuere,hehe, lovable person
persie-my fun-able mass dance partner, n holder of my secret
ben tan-my friend who always calls me abg in camp..haha
bernita-our beloved 1 half of welfare,
amanda-my other mass dance partner n the other half of welfare
syaz-my very good friend from camp..wish i knew her earlier..cn laugh2 untill tmrw morning...bite-size *cough*blanja
yusni-haha..hmmm..what can i say..ahhhhh..nvm ah
benny-thanx for straihtening my hair the last day...n ur snoring..haha
fadz-her laugh is so infectious,can still rmbr doing station game wif her
jia xuan-hello kitty!...so friendly n laughing n she lives near me..
cheryl- she is C-H-E-R-Y-L
wafah-so cute during the caramel wafer skit
gabe-tall guy..but nice guy..share something similar..we both idolized jeremy fu
jeremy fu- okay this guy is like so WOW.. no words describe him..basically a wonderful man..me n gabe wanted to take a pic of him
wesley- our friendly neighbourhood mc...n clown..haha..nice guy
ariz-knew him from dotc 2..had fun during sentosa skit
joey..hmmm quiet guy bt he opened up..n guess what..he cried
sara-nice gal..friendly n adorable
zhou-the warrior,haha..1st one to sleep evryday
carmelle- adorable friend..showed me a nice pick up line..
shwerwin-our favourite guy in camp..sexy nobody moves
mag..the one who made the bags with benny..my dear good station game buddy
leonard-good leader..did well for the mass game
farhan-one high energizer bunny!
ubin-my bro from a diff mother!
jfat-loves him alot..a very lovable cute guy

Omg.. i love theses people
all of them
its sad its onli 5 days if got to spend
bt it was worth..evry minute

life is cruel, but it does have its ups

2009-03-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

fate is cruel.
the other days i smelt something so familiar to me
when i turn to see, it wasnt what it was

i guess god just wanted to tease me
its funny why i'm the one feeling this when she was the one who dropped me
i guess its time i sytop being a pussy and be a man
be hazziq back again

there were time i thought of goin back again with her
but my friends were like no
I cant walk or go near her house
but ian say just fuck it and get on
and i tot ouh yea

i talk to her last nite
just wanted to see how she is
it was very brief
its as though she wanted to get away
and doesnt want to talk to me or something as if im a disease
and i got to thank you for that
now i dnt feel the feeling tat aches in my heart
i finally see something
no more hoping
by her answers and actions i knew
my doesnt even ring her name

i guess life's like that

L-O-N-E-L-Y

2009-02-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

My tears don't stop when i think about her
Yes i don't think about her much anymore, or at all
I guess only she knows why until now im still single
But sometimes...

Like today,
i went to alkaff for fri prayers
i was early so i sat there and reflected
there i was sitting at the same spot 6 mths ago
6 mths ago where my fone was still her pic on it
her msg there ringing
then my heart went KRAK
Only ALLAH knows what i felt today
Yea i know but friday is a good day for me
i always reflect on this day,
i dunnoe why but my heart always feels at ease on fridaes

Its been close to 2 mths since i last heard from her
there were times where i want to call/msg/msn her
but i had p1
and also i couldn't do it
anw she has exams to study
i shldnt be disturbing her

I dn't wanna cry like a bitch
but tonight i feel like i want to listen to sad jiwang malay songs
strangely it makes my heart sad but the same time ok
and this strange feeling comes out

2009-02-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

And I know it makes no sense
Cause you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
How every song reminds me
I'm so over being blue
Crying over you
Of what used to be

Her memories keeps coming back
I know i'm stronger than this
But God why do you break us apart but keep toturing n teasing me with dreams of her
Why?

2009-02-13T08:24:00.001-08:00

At last, i finally got time for my blog.
Been tired out by P1 and school work.
Well life gonna be like this in 2 more years.
I guess that's why we get great people in Design School.
And Joyce this wont be another emo post. hehe
Well today had presentation on Singlish.
Followed by Prog meeting.
Im so flushed now.
Gonna play dota with my other self later.

So today is valentine';s day, im single.
I remembered what happened in sec sch when i was still playin the love game.
But now i can turn around and look at girls, stop sayingn my gf the most beautiful.
San told me to be nasty, be like a bad boy.
But i cant.
Im just too nice.
haha
now thinking about P1 individual presentation on mon.

2009-02-04T08:40:00.000-08:00

Wow today was FUN!
im not gonna write about wad happened in school cause i did in the moi p1 blog.
But just now after we done.. we the moi-ians went for dinner..
we all laugh2 in the bus..the guys talking u know what and the girls their girl talk
went to the foodcourt at tm to eat..had alot of fun laughing all the time
den gt challenge of staring at BC
gt sum1 bcome maintain member
haha!

my life is ok now.
but i wonder,jz wonder what she is doing now?
i know she doesnt think about me anymore.
Who m i in her busy life.
i might b wrong.if i m.my bad
bt i jz thought abt her.
n positively.
myb she goin is bcuz she gt no time for me.
n only me.
she doesnt love me no more.
the 6 years was not waste of time.
i still have those sweet memories still in my heart.
i keep it for safe keeping.
i want to thank u for letting me feel what love is although for a while.
she wants us to be friends den well keep that way.
its for better aniwaes..
i can nvr be good enuf for her..not looking down bt i have look myself in the mirror
n reflected.
since she moved on, then i should too
wats more im a man..we shed no tears..only sometimes when needed
finally i get to let out things in my heart abit.

My first entry after 100 years..haha

2009-02-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

WAH...Its been a while
I got a new blog!
finally i'm getting my life up and moving
Dnt want to drag the whole story..
i might be a bit emo in the nxt few entry..